In which
by Apple-Cola
Summary: ...A grumpy, unsociable asshole highschooler moves to a new town and inexplicably makes friends with someone for the first time since middle school and that someone is an overly friendly and clingy derp who has very few boudaries other than his own denial of homosexuality and yet through it all they develop crushes on each other and this title is too long fuck johnkat t for languag
1. In Which An Asshole Moves

Written for tumblr user meridiantears. Because friendship makes you do stupid stuff like write idiotic fanfictions about dorks.

Warnings: (1.) The real genre is "Stupid" but they didn't have that one so I put "Romance" instead. (2.) Why would you be reading this if you were opposed to homosexuality. (3.) Why would you even think of reading this if this was your NOTP are you okay. (4.) Goddamn language. Sorry.

No the rating will not change I do not write inapro-pro all that you are safe from any terrible attempts on my part

Turn back now while you have the chance just go

* * *

It's not a big deal, moving. People always try to play it up like it's some big thing, but, really, it's not.  
Karkat never had problems with change. Mostly because he didn't have very many relationships. It's not some big deal to go and NOT make friends in a new place because he had no friends in the old one. There's no room to go downhill in social standing.  
He doesn't even understand why they're moving from one lame ass town to another equally lame ass town. Something to do with his dad's job.  
His dad was a mattress store manager. Karkat couldn't figure out how that worked at all, considering his father spoke limited amounts of crappy English. How do you even run a store like that? His dad's job made okay money, but it couldn't really support the family completely.  
Oh god. There's probably a FoodMaxx in this town too. Karkat's mom would not accept them living in a city with no FoodMaxx. Partially because of the pastries they sell there, and partially because she loves to send Karkat out to the FoodMaxx parking lot on Thursday nights to freeze his ass off and sell her "famous" tamales for a couple bucks per package.  
Karkat stared forlornly out the window of the car. Life's been doing a lot of things to Karkat lately. His pretentious older brother, Kankri, just left for college. Good riddance, maybe, but Karkat would sort of miss being annoyed at Kankri barging into his room, unwelcome, to rant about injustice, hog up Karkat's bed, and sometimes even ask his little brother for advice. It was a better sibling relationship than Karkat would ever admit.  
It would be weird, living without Kankri. Kankri was a high school senior when Karkat was a freshman, and the last year of Kankri was sort of the best year of Kankri.  
Karkat would never admit it, but he didn't know how he would survive this sophomore year of high school. He had made it through most of his school career fine alone, but Kankri finally decided to live up to his role of older brother in the last year, and dragged Karkat on all sorts of adventures. Even though Karkat didn't participate much during these outings, he had actually had a lot of fun. Thanks to Kankri being not as much of a douche for a year, Karkat had sort of lived, a little. Karkat had been okay with having no friends in high school so far just because of Kankri. Karkat would be lonely without his ranting oversensitive big brother to talk with and to drag him around, and he wasn't sure what he was going to do with himself now.  
Karkat knew all this, but firmly told himself that, no, Kankri didn't count as a friend, so he was, in fact, completely used to being alone, and he would be completely fine with that.

-.

He jinxed it. It's already done. Karkat decided that he would end up not making any friends. He fully expected it to happen that way and it did.  
He was either psychic or had a curse of bad luck (and worse manners).  
Karkat was starting his first day of a new school year in a new school in a new town as a new kid, and it was a with a new record speed that he ruined his first chance at a new friend.  
He insulted the first and only person to introduce themselves to him so far. He will be alone another year. He might as well accept his fate. And It was only first period.  
It happened like this:  
They received their seatings first-thing in Chemistry. The teacher -a young, generally cool guy- placed Karkat at a table in the back left of the classroom. It was as far from the door or any means of escape as possible. The teacher would now be seen as the Bringer of Evil, in Karkat's eyes.  
The weirdo assigned to be Karkat's lab partner (and sit with him for the whole year) ended up being an overly friendly kid with big, bright blue eyes surrounded by glasses, and an even bigger buck-toothed smile. "Hi! I'm John Egbert! Looks like we'll be lab partners in this class all year, huh?"  
Karkat stared at the needlessly happy kid, "How much coffee do you even drink."  
"Haha, I don't even drink coffee," John replied, making an effort to be friendly. Karkat didn't reply.  
John looked around uncomfortably before trying, "So, uh, are you new in town? I don't think I've seen you before."  
"What if you haven't seen me before because you're blind." Karkat replied, gesturing towards John's somewhat dorky glasses.  
"Hey, I'm not blind! I see well enough! The glasses are just so my eyes don't get even worse." John defended. Karkat said, "Hmph," but John didn't reply, because he was distracted by a person who had just sat down in front of him.  
And somehow that exchange convinced Karkat that he was a failure at making normal conversation. He would never have friends. He would live his whole high school career reading cheesy romance novels alone in the library like the weirdo he is. It would carry into his adulthood. He would either become a jobless loser who can't cope with society and have to live with his annoying mom and sell tamales every Thursday for the rest of eternity or he would be forced to become a romance movie critic. His only friend through his whole life would be his shitty laptop.  
Unfortunately for the passengers, this train of thought was derailed as the bell rang. Karkat scooped up his backpack and carried it in his arms because he didn't have enough shit in it yet to make it worth putting on. He shuffled into the halls and moved on to the second class of the seven that would waste the whole next year of his life.

-.

English second period was okay, and so was Spanish II after that. Just your usual first day of school syllabus and done thing. But history right before lunch. Dear LORD.  
The teacher quickly handed out the syllabus, collected summer homework, and proceeded to rant about the importance of history for the next ten minutes. Then she got into a philosophical argument over whether or not progress can ever really be made and what progress even is with some girl named Rose. This argument lasted the whole rest of the period. It was terrible. Karkat was almost upset that he wasn't tired enough to try and sleep through it. Karkat hoped this wasn't a sign of how the whole year of history would be. It was a feeble, hopeless hope that slowly turned into acceptance of the fact that, yes, Karkat would be forced to sit through these discussions all year.  
Then there was lunch, which was also sort of okay.  
Karkat just took his backpack and brown bag of lazily made lunch and sat in a corner blocked off from the rest of the hallway by a pillar and a perpetually open door. He made a mental note that it could possibly be a safe place to nap, if ever he needed to.  
After that, though, was PE.  
Why the hell did anyone even invent PE. Who's bright idea was that one.  
Everyone got their syllabuses and met the teacher, a man whose two loves were making kids run and play basketball. After a short intro to the class, he told them to go run two laps, as a preparation for things to come.  
Why.  
Karkat actually kept up pretty well. Apparently there were a lot of lazy and/or unhealthy fucks in his class. Thank the powers that be. Well, it could be that everyone was wearing regular clothes, as opposed to PE clothes, and didn't want to sweat it up, but it didn't matter to Karkat.  
But then they hit the second lap, and John Egbert From Chemistry somehow ended up running with Karkat.  
"Hey!" John panted out, smiling, "Looks like we have two classes together!"  
"How can you tell what it looks like if you need glasses," Karkat responded.  
At that, John laughed and said, "I'm not blind!"  
Karkat said, "Hmph."  
For a while, they jogged on silently, and Karkat was actually sort of okay with that. He would be more okay, though, if he didn't have to run.  
After they finished running, John followed Karkat to the water fountain. "You never told me your name. That's usually what people do when making friends, you know!"  
"You heard it on two attendance sheets," Karkat responded grumpily.  
"Come on, no one pays attention to the names in attendance!" John complained Just then, the bell rang, and Karkat began walking away with no parting words. John quickly followed behind him.  
"Wait, what class do you have next?" John pulled out his own schedule.  
"Math in portable 27."  
"Hey, me too! Let's walk together!"  
Karkat suddenly stopped in his tracks, causing John to bump into him.  
"Sorry!" John apologized.  
Karkat took a deep breath and turned around.  
"Listen here, you little shit-" he began.  
"I'm taller than you, silly!"  
"LISTEN. HERE. You gargantuan shit," Karkat emphasized, "I don't know why the universe stuck me in two classes with you, but the fact that we have classes together does not make us friends. I do not want friends. I may be new here, but I don't need some tall blind kid to lead me around the school like I'm some helpless fuck who can't survive school alone. My goals for school are to pass with as little drama and work as possible, and having friends involves drama and work. The universe might have made me meet you, but you know what? Fuck the universe! I don't the universe just like I don't need all of the stupid dumbshits in it. This is me, submitting my resignation to the universe! I will be taking my stuff and leaving immediately!"  
Karkat stormed off. When he happened to glance behind him, he noticed that John was just standing there, frowning.

-.

When Karkat arrived at his math class, he joined the herd of students around the posted seating chart. He quickly saw that, yes! He had the seat just to the right of the door. He went and sat down, and when everyone had settled in and the tardy bell rang, Karkat noticed that the seat to his right was empty.  
The teacher was a middle-aged woman, and her voice was as droning and monotonous as a robot's. Maybe she was a robot. No one could know for sure.  
As she ranted her syllabus speech for what was probably her sixth time that day, the door to Karkat's left inched open, and a certain black-haired blue-eyes kid shuffled in.  
The teacher paused the speech and looked at her attendance list, "Mr. John Egbert?"  
"Yes, ma'am." John replied politely.  
"You sit in the empty desk next to Karkat Vantas. Do you see it?"  
John looked at Karkat, then at the desk on the other side, "Yep." He walked around the first row of desks and took his seat.  
Karkat adopted an expression of faux awe and reverence and whispered up to the ceiling lights, "Mother of All Shits." Karkat's life was so full of bull that he was on the verge of adhering to a religion so he could have some god's terrible sense of humor to blame for all of this.  
"I understand you guys coming in late the first day of school, but after today, I expect no tardies." The teacher sighed out.  
John leaned over to whisper to Karkat as the teacher continued her speech.  
"So I guess you're still with the universe?"  
Karkat glared at him. "No."

After math class, Karkat bolted and headed straight home.

-.

The whole first week of school, and most of the second week, Karkat got by with minimal conversation with John. John still said hi every day, but Karkat would either not reply or state, "Hmph," and that would be the end of it. John seemed a bit sad that they had not made friends, but it's not Karkat's job to make some weird clingy kid happy.

On Thursday of the second week of school, Karkat found himself in the FoodMaxx parking lot with a bag of tamales. Usually he would sell at least five packs, but they had left their regular customers behind when they moved.  
Karkat sat on the metal railing of the place where people park the shopping carts and tried to pass time by silently judging everyone walking in and out of the store.  
Eventually, though, Karkat spotted a familiar face. John was riding through the parking lot on a bike, along with some blond kid with sunglasses that Karkat recognized from his English class.  
Karkat looked down at his hands, feeling inexplicably embarrassed and hoping that John wouldn't see him sitting in a parking lot alone.  
Of course, John noticed him and the two kids rode up to Karkat on their bikes and stopped next to him.  
John spoke first, "Karkat, what are you doing out here?"  
Karkat rolled his eyes. "Good afternoon to you too, fuckass."  
John frowned, "Why are you just sitting here?"  
"What does it look like?" Karkat held up the bag of food.  
The blond kid spoke up, "Shit, man, are those tamales?"  
"No shit."  
"Hell yeah. Tamales are boss." The kid pulled out a red duct tape wallet, "How much do they cost?"  
Karkat was suddenly very much in business mode, "Three dollars per pack of five, one dollar for each if you want to buy them individually."  
"How many do you have with you?"  
"Twenty packs."  
The blond kid put a hand on John's shoulder, "John."  
"Yes, Dave."  
Dave's expression remained one hundred percent serious, "Your friend here is offering A HUNDRED TAMALES."  
"Okay?"  
The Dave kid looked back at Karkat, "I'll take all of them."  
"That's sixty dollars," Karkat informed as politely as his generally grumpy voice allowed.  
Dave handed over the money and Karkat handed over the bulging bag of food.  
"Hell. Yes."  
John appeared confused over the whole exchange, "What..."  
"Nice doing business with you," Karkat said plainly, and he started walking back home.  
Dave started riding away, but when Karkat glanced back, he saw that John was still staring at Karkat walking away. After a minute, though, John rode away to go catch up to Dave.  
Karkat wasn't sure why, but he felt kind of happy about the whole transaction. Probably because it cut his Thursday nightmare short.

-.

"Hi," John said, as usual, when he sat down at their table in Chemistry the next day.  
"Hey," Karkat replied grumpily. John grinned.  
The bell rang and their chemistry teacher walked out of the supply closet with a jovial, "Happy Friday!" The class gave mixed replies.  
"Today we will be doing our lab on chemical change!"  
All they had to do was mix the white stuff with the blue stuff and watch it get warm and bubbly and turn orange, then write down what they saw and any explanations they could give for anything that happened. John and Karkat were done quickly, since the lab was pretty easy.  
"Hey, Karkat," John started.  
Karkat sighed heavily in response. Jesus dicks, this kid doesn't give up. Karkat looked at him expectantly as a signal to go on.  
"What were you doing yesterday?"  
"Selling tamales in a parking lot, dipshit," Karkat replied.  
"No, I know that, but, like, why."  
"My mom likes making tamales. So I sell them for cash on Thursdays, sometimes."  
"Oh," John said.  
"Yeah."

When the bell rang at the end of the period, instead of bolting like usual, Karkat stood for a second, feeling like he forgot something.  
John was still packing up his crap, like the slow shit he was.  
"Uh," Karkat said, "See you."  
"Yeah! See you in PE." John smiled.  
Karkat left, the feeling of forgetting something gone, but he was kind of mad at himself. He had told himself that he wasn't going to make friends.

* * *

And that's all for this chapter. Hope you like it, and I really would like to hear your opinion on it.

Also, formatting will be less stupid later on. I wrote this one in notepad but all other chapters so far in Word, so, yeah.

But chapters will always be short and weirdly episodic sorry.

EDIT: I FORGOT TO MENTION-

this story is based on the stupid headcanon that human Karkat would be this short little second-generation Mexican immigrant kid living in America, which came from a discussion with tumblr user meridiantears, and some of the headcanons from our conversation won't even be involved in this, but that exchange is what fuels this fanfiction

so maybe more mexicanisms will show I sure hope so


	2. In Which the Asshole Is Annoyed

I will be updating this fic in like clumps I guess whenever I'm able to get on a real computer, since I write this on my cellphone.

Thank god for skydrive oh yes

So sporadic updating within minutes of the first chapter.

* * *

Karkat flopped heavily onto his bed. It was Thursday night, and he had just returned from a long evening of selling tamales.

Dave- John's bike buddy from before- had become a semi-regular customer. Every so often, Dave would show up and buy Karkat's entire stock of tamales. Today, unfortunately, Dave did not come to the rescue, so Karkat was left to sell the accursed meat pastries until 9 at night.

Karkat was so ready to sleep, and he did not want to move from his position on the bed, but he still hadn't done any of his history homework, which was due the next day. He had all week to do it, but he put it off, as usual.

With thirty notecards, twenty paragraph responses, and an essay to complete that night, he snuck into the kitchen and grabbed two cans of soda and a bag of tortilla chips to stay up with.

He had experience with this. Procrastination is an art.

-.

"Happy Friday, everyone!" called Karkat's chemistry teacher. Two months into school and suddenly the weekend was the most exciting thing ever. The teacher was starting to get more enthusiastic responses to his customary Friday greeting.

The students were given a worksheet to work on with their lab partners, and, of course, John saw this as reason to talk Karkat ear off about shitty movies.

Karkat, already sporting headache from the late night, had to put an end to it.

"Egbert. Stop."

"Come on, Karkat, it's a great movie!" John was apparently under the impression that Karkat was replying to something he had said.

"No, John, stop talking." Karkat set down his pencil and put his head down on the table, crossing his arms to hide his face.

"Uh," said John, but after a few minutes of Karkat just sitting there, head down and unresponsive, he just sort of patted Karkat's head. Then he continued doing the worksheet.

Karkat would have protested the head patting (he really would have!), but he was to preoccupied with avoiding the light. The sound of John's pencil scratching was amplified through the desk and the headache, but Karkat couldn't really tell John to stop. The assignment was a grade for both of them.

-.

Once Karkat's headache had passed, he was generally okay throughout the rest of the day.

During PE, John decided it was a good idea to try to talk to Karkat again. The class was playing a lame version of cricket, and most of the period was spent standing around for those who weren't playing.

Karkat usually participated in PE, except he furiously hated cricket. The game was stupid and boring. His hatred had nothing to do with the three times he got hit in the head with the ball since school started.

"Hey, Karkat," John poked Karkat.

Karkat growled, "Don't touch me, Egbert."

John nodded a bit, and asked, "Hey, what was up with you in chemistry this morning?"

"What do you mean?" Karkat crossed his arms and watched the batter -is that what you call it in cricket?- completely miss the ball.

"Well, you were like-," John shrugged, "nonfunctional."

"I just had a headache," Karkat said, glaring at the game taking place in the gym. He mentally dared the players to let the ball get anywhere near him.

"Oh. Okay that's-" John didn't finish his sentence because a ball sailed through the air and whizzed past John's ear.

"HEY! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE AIMING, FUCKASS!" Karkat yelled, and John laughed.

-.

Karkat 's weekend was all too short and incredibly uneventful, and he found himself cramming last minute on Sunday night for a test in English Monday. Luckily, it wasn't as late as his previous late night, and he managed to get up the next morning.

When he arrived at Chemistry the next day, he noted the lack of John invading his personal space and abusing his ears with his 'hi's and his 'hehe's.

Karkat tapped the shoulder of one of the girls sitting in front of him that he had seen talking to John before.

"Where's the dork?" Karkat said- very unconcernedly, of course.

The one with short, blond hair smiled, "You're Karkat, right?"

"That wasn't exactly what this conversation was started for."

"Oh. So, you care where John is?" the girl asked, her smile suddenly seeming less friendly and more sly.

"Of course not, I'm just curious!" Karkat's face suddenly felt hot from embarrassment. No, not embarrassment- from anger at the outrageous statement. He didn't care about some weird wimpy dork. (He was embarrassed.)

The short-haired girl just kept smiling, "I suppose, then, it's not my business to tell my friend's problems to mere acquaintances."

The black-haired girl sitting directly in front of Karkat intervened amusedly, "Rose, you don't have to be so difficult!"

"Rose..." Karkat said, thinking. Where did he hear that name? Oh yeah, he looked at her with new recognition, "You're that fucking philosophist from history."

Rose smiled again, somehow both classily and antagonizingly.

"John's just sick," the girl in front of Karkat said, "He mentioned it on Pesterchum last night."

Karkat frowned a bit, "Oh."

It's not like Karkat really cared where John was. It wouldn't even make sense if he did. They weren't even friends, so worrying about someone who he doesn't even care about doesn't happen. Especially since he's Karkat.

-.

English class more like Crapish crap.

In English, they were discussing a story they had read with a group. He ended up being picked into a group with Dave and the girl with long black hair that he had talked to in Chemistry, who was apparently named Jade.

The whole period, they didn't even talk about the story, which was an interesting Russian short story about a man who lost everything in life and lost his mind, all because he picked up a string off the side of the road. Karkat had honestly enjoyed it.

Karkat just sort of ignored the conversation between the other two for a while. Eventually, he got bored with his own thoughts, and started listening. They were talking about food by now.

"Yeah, they definitely have the best tacos ever there!" Jade exclaimed.

"Oh, by the way, Karkat sells these insanely awesome tamales." Dave mentioned. Karkat sighed heavily.

"Really?" Jade asked, interested.

"Yeah they've gotta be like laced with the souls of sacrificed virgins or something. He like deals them in front of FoodMaxx."

"They're not THAT good," Karkat grumbled.

"Dude, those tamales are the shit. But not like human shit, more like the shit of the gods of delicious food, up high on Mount Olympus eating pedigree unicorn steak and drinking rainbows. They are the blessed shits of golden corn husks, peeled back to reveal pure deliciousness and assorted fillings."

"Wow, Dave, that sounds pretty amazing!" Jade commented.

"Are you shitting me. That sounds terrible. No one wants to eat the shit of gods who regularly ingest violent, horny, hoofed beasts."

"You don't have to be so negative." Jade advised.

"Of course I do," Karkat countered.

"Well it certainly adds balance, considering." Dave nodded, as if his conclusion was a wise statement.

"Considering what?" Karkat asked, admittedly unaware.

"John and I are generally cheerful individuals," Jade answered, a bit defensively, "Dave and Rose are less optimistic."

"I prefer to identify with, 'generally emotionally neutral'," Dave shrugged.

"So adding in a pessimistic assfuck mixes it up a bit?" Karkat raised his eyebrows, "Nice to know you like variety."

"You are the pretzel in the trail mix." Dave stated sagely.

"Then John's like the m&ms or some shit, right?" Karkat asked.

"Hey, me too!" Jade added, "That would make Dave and Rose nuts!"

Karkat actually laughed a bit at that. But then, his deeply-rooted teenage end-of-the-period senses started going off, and he started started packing up.

"Don't go thinking I'm part of your stupid little group, though." Karkat added, as the bell rang.

"That's okay! Everybody likes m&ms anyway!" Jade said.

"I don't." Karkat spat immaturely, just to spite Jade. M&ms were his favorite candy, honestly.

"You doooo!" Jade said teasingly as they shuffled out of the classroom, "You like John!"

Karkat had no time to retort, because she walked away in the opposite direction from where he was headed, but if he did, it would have been a stinging, burning retort that would make her doubt everything she ever thought she had known.

She was right.

* * *

This chapter was absolute shit, sorry. I wrote most of it at midnight on the BART, so, yeah. Not quality. Also, really short, as usual.


	3. In Which the Derp Visits

This is where I started getting back into the swing of writing, since this is my first writing project in a while.

Also this is where I actually started to enjoy writing a little bit.

I don't own any movies ok but Westworld was actually entertaining somehow and 500 Days of Summer was my favorite movie at one point so you should try to watch them sometime.

Also, tumblr user meridianterars was drawing cute pictures of this chapter and someday I will take them from her and post one of them on here as the image.

* * *

John never thought PE was easy. He was sort of skinny and lanky and generally awkward, so he never had fun with the class.

But since he made friends with Karkat, PE seemed a lot more okay.

Karkat ran across the gym floor and thrust his arms out to get under the volleyball. He fell tragically short. The ball bounced uselessly away, and he just stood there for a few seconds, in what appeared to be disbelief.

"Bro, do you even lift?" the quiet, sarcastic question came from a random student on the other side of the net.

"DO YOU EVEN SURF?" Karkat yelled in return, his eyes big and angry.

John laughed at the display of anger and internet bravado, and Karkat gave him a sort of appreciative look. Oh, he probably thought John was laughing about his comeback.

The teacher then announced the end of class, and everyone made a break for the locker rooms.

John was changing nearby to Karkat, and Karkat always changed facing his own locker, so John faced his back.

John felt sort of anxious about talking to Karkat, since he was planning on asking if they could hang out. He reminded himself that there was no reason to be nervous. Friends do this sort of thing all the time.

"Hey, Karkat," John spoke up.

Karkat took off his PE shirt, "Yeah?"

"Are you doing anything after school today?" John asked hopefully, watching Karkat's back.

Karkat stood still for a second, before slouching, "It's Thursday. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, well I was just gonna ask if we could hang out. My house won't do right now, but somewhere else, maybe?" John was not ready to let Karkat see the insane clown collection that John and his dad had amassed during John's childhood.

"I would invite you over, my mom loves company, but," Karkat shrugged and put his shirt on, then turned to face John, "tamale day."

"Hey, but if she likes having company so much, why don't you ask her if we can hang out instead?" John asked, hopefully. Karkat looked critical of the plan. John pulled out a pencil and sloppily tore a chunk of paper from his notebook, "How about you ask her when you get home and text me, and if I can come, I'll just ride my bike over!"

"Uh, okay," Karkat said. John scribbled his cellphone number down, and gave the paper to Karkat. Karkat just sort of stared at the paper in his hand for a second before pocketing it.

John grinned, "Cool!"

-.

John liked Karkat. He was interesting. Like some sort of grumpy, abrasive enigma. Or something.

John had plenty of friends, and they were all easy to get along with, and they really trusted him, and John was glad. John was easy to trust, all good-natured smiles and natural friendliness. He made friends easily with everyone.

But Karkat was somehow different from everyone else. Karkat was interesting.

Maybe it was because he was so guiltlessly blunt to John. He made no effort to be nicer to John than he was to everyone else. Also, he didn't immediately trust John, like people normally do.

Karkat was sort of the opposite of normal. Usually people share all the nice feelings and only let the bad ones out to people they really trust. But Karkat was so outwardly mean and defensive. John was sure that if he gained Karkat's trust he would find that Karkat just had a bunch of goodness all bottled up inside.

John wasn't sure why Karkat was like that, though. What could have happened to make Karkat so defensive and pointedly alone? Maybe he thought he didn't deserve friends. Maybe he just never had friends before.

Whatever Karkat was thinking, John was determined to earn his trust.

-.

It seemed that John was well on his way to success. He was sitting on Karkat's couch with Karkat, in Karkat's house, watching movies. The movies were off of a list of "100 Shitty Movies that are Just... Why?" John decided that if he was going to watch the whole list, he would not watch it alone. Karkat agreed to watch his shitty movies, but only if they could watch 500 Days of Summer next time they hung out.

Wow, they just started hanging out for the first time, and Karkat already was saying that there would be a next time. John smiled at the thought.

Currently, they were watching Westworld, which is pretty much a shitty version of Terminator. Despite the shittiness, Karkat seemed entertained enough, and he kept up a running commentary of how stupid every character was the whole time.

John didn't care for the movie that much, but he was contentedly entertained by the wide variation of faces in the "Angry" category that Karkat was capable of making during his rant.

Karkat's mom provided them with chips and salsa, but John had yet to try it. Karkat had looked uncomfortable with her presence whenever she appeared to offer John more food, but John really liked her.

One thing he noted, though, was how incredibly pleased she was that Karkat finally had a friend over for once. John was really beginning to wonder if Karkat had actually never had friends before.

"What the fuck is that asshole even doing? What the hell is going on?" Karkat screeched at the TV, eyes wide and gesturing wildly.

John laughed fondly.

When the activity on-screen started settling down a bit, Karkat turned to John.

"Egbert," Karkat started.

John smiled, "Yeah?"

"You're eating all of the chips and you haven't even tried the salsa yet," Karkat pointed at the half-empty bowl of chips and overflowing cup of salsa on the table.

"Oh," John said, glancing at the green substance, "I've never had that kind of salsa before."

"Of course you haven't!" Karkat scoffed, "My mom made it. It's her own recipe."

"Oh, well," John eyed the salsa with a bit of fear. He could smell the spice from his position on the couch.

"Are you gonna try it or not?" Karkat challenged.

"Yeah, of course I am!" John replied, taking a chip and loading it with the dip. Karkat raised his eyebrows.

John shoved the whole chip in is mouth, and, initially, it was a very pleasant, fresh flavor.

But then he was struck by such painful, inescapable spiciness that he nearly vomited. His eyes widened and he looked around frantically for a place to spit everything out.

"Do not spit that out, John. I will murder you."

John stared at Karkat with a pleading expression.

"Just chew and swallow," Karkat commanded. John complied, and the accursed green lava burned all the way down to his stomach. As soon as his mouth was empty, he opened it to pant, and the air burned his now-sensitive taste buds.

"Ah!" John exclaimed, and he grabbed his soda off of the table. Karkat laughed as John took a large gulp. John's eyes widened as he realized that drinking soda was the worst idea ever. The carbonation and spicy residue burned his mouth and nose. John put the soda back down and stuck out his tongue, "Ahhh!" He waved his hands in small helpless motions.

By that time, Karkat was cackling, and John just sat there miserably, still sticking his tongue out and breathing heavily. John realized that tears were streaming down his face and went to wipe his eyes with his hands, but Karkat grabbed John's wrists before he could.

"That's enough," Karkat laughed, "You don't want to touch your eyes after touching that stuff."

John just sat there for a while, panting and glaring, tears in his eyes, and Karkat sort of smiled at him for a second before letting go of his wrists. It wasn't really a smile, but like a Karkat version of a smile. John smiled dumbly in return, tongue still out.

"John," Karkat stated, "you are making the stupidest face."

John finally put his tongue back into his still-burning mouth and wore a sheepish expression.

They both stared at the TV screen in front of them uncomprehendingly for a few seconds.

After a minute, John laughed and said, "That was hot!"

Karkat just shook his head in reply.

-.

Karkat laid on the couch tiredly. John had just left a few minutes previously, and Karkat didn't really know what to do with himself now.

Karkat blindly grabbed for chips from the coffee table and dipped them in the salsa bowl that was sitting on his chest, before eating them.

John really was something else. What a weird kid.

To Karkat, the world was full of basically bad people. There were lots of people who tried to be nice, and people who pretended to try to be nice, but they were still all pretty much bad somewhere in there.

But John was one of the very few people Karkat had ever known that was just... nice. And he chose to be friends with Karkat of all people.

Karkat didn't get it. He groped around in mid air for another chip before realizing that the chip bowl was empty.

He put the bowl of salsa in the empty chip bowl and stood up, stretching and sighing. He carried the dishes to the kitchen and put them in the sink.

Karkat trudged down the hallway and to his bedroom at the end of the hall. It was dark and full of movie posters for great romcoms and it was absolutely perfect for him.

He sat on his bed and pulled his laptop into his lap. When he opened it, he was visually assaulted by a request from "TwinArmageddons" to video chat. It was one of Karkat's stupid internet friends.

Karkat conceded to the request, and a window displaying his internet friend's familiar face popped up.

"Hi Sollux," Karkat sighed.

"Hey, KK, what'th up?" Sollux lisped.

"Just got finished watching Westworld," Karkat offered.

"What," Sollux frowned.

"I was hanging out with some guy from school and we decided to watch some shitty movies," Karkat explained.

"Oh, well, that'th cool I gueth," Sollux commented, before continuing, "Anyway, I jutht wanted to tell you about the awethome hack I jutht-"

"Sollux, did you just call me to gloat? We've already established that I'm a failure," Karkat groaned.

"Hey! Tho you can talk about your thitty boyfriend who watcheth thitty movies with you but I can't talk about a rethent perthonal accomplithment of my own?" Sollux asked with dramatized indignance.

"Hey! He's not my boyfriend!"

Sollux sighed laboriously "Why elthe would you ever allow thomeone to make you watch thitty movieth with them?"

"I had nothing better to do," Karkat snipped.

"Karkat, that'th a lie and we both know it," Sollux said plainly, "You thell tamaleth on Thurthdayth."

Karkat opened and closed his mouth silently for a few seconds before saying, "You're just trying to get under my skin about this since I wouldn't let you brag about your computer shit!"

"Whatever helpth you thleep at night," Sollux sighed.

"Asshole," Karkat spat.

"I could thay the thame about you," Sollux replied.

"No you couldn't," Karkat shot back.

"What a clever and original point you got there, athhole," Sollux sighed.

"Hmph,"

"Anyway, thinthe when did you date boyth from thchool?"

Karkat huffed, "Sollux, I don't date."

"Thayth the one who jutht watched Wethtworld with hith new boyfriend," Sollux smirked.

"He's not my-" Karkat pulled his hands through his hair, "You know what? No. I am not doing this. I am done with you I swear."

"Whatever," Sollux said unconcernedly.

Karkat angrily closed the window and proceeded to browse the depths of the internet, seeking an idiot to berate.

* * *

Haha my original author's note on here was "FINALLY" since this chapter took forever on account of I lost the page with sollux from my binder, so I had to rewrite the by-hand part by hand again before I forgot it, and then later when I was typing it up, I forgot to save and my phone died, then one time I accidentally backspaced half of the chapter, then another time my phone just crapped up and lost the file and I had to use an older draft that was separately saved and tumblr user meridiantears was like "UPDATE" and I was like "THIS IS A CONVOLUTED PROCESS FOR SUCH A SHORT CHAPTER"

but yeah I posted the first three chapters on here in one night so

booyah


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